6 goofy sex moves that can’t possibly be real

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Aside from the well-known Mayan Handbasket, Human Shield and Samoan Brunch Date sex positions, many of us are only aware of the tried-and-true missionary, lazy-man’s woman-on-top and animalistic doggy-style. Let’s broaden our horizons with some [ahem] alternative sex moves that will try your patience, sap your strength and make you ‘lol.’

6 The Standing 69

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Step one: get ridiculously fit. Step two: find a willing lady. Step three: lift her upside-down, butt-ward to your face. Step four: collapse in an exhausted heap after 60 grueling and slightly awesome seconds.

5 The Amazon

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In this move, the woman will squat over the man, resting on the back of his leg’s which have been brought up to his chest. More like, “The Chiropractor’s Nightmare.”

4 The Ballerina

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In this, the man and woman stand facing one another, and the woman will lift her leg and put it over the man’s shoulder. Let’s stop right there and make sure we have a phone nearby for the inevitable 911 call. Okay, continuing. Then the man gets it in and starts earning his keep. The woman enjoys. Her pelvis does not.

3 The Wheelbarrow

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Remember when you used to play “wheelbarrow” around the playground back in grade school? Well this is nothing like that and you’re disgusting for even entertaining the relation between the two. This involves the woman being on her stomach on the floor and the man picking her legs up and penetrating her from behind as she keeps herself up by using her arms, pausing occasionally to question her life decisions.

2 The Wild Rodeo

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This is like Asian cowgirl, but with the man keeping himself from having any contact with the bed or floor through the use of his extended arms. Ridiculous; the point of being on the bottom is so that no precious energy is expended, isn’t it? What a waste.

1 The Boston Brute

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The girl lies on her back with her legs extended into the air. The man sits on her thighs with his back facing her and points dong-downward for penetration. If you want to merge your sex-life with your love of deep-pain squat sets, this is the sex position for you.