Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
I must say that the best part of the #goldenglobes #ERedCarpet was the raw sewer pipe bursting on that carpet right before it opened!
— Kelly Osbourne (@KellyOsbourne) January 13, 2014
No argument here.
Diane Keaton is one of those adults my mom would take me aside to warn me about before I saw her. #GoldenGlobes
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) January 13, 2014
With good reason.
I'm worried that I might not hear the words 'sage' and 'muse' again until the Oscars.
— Brandon McCarthy (@BMcCarthy32) January 13, 2014
Don’t worry, the Grammys are coming soon.
The golden globes is a nice sleep aid
— Anastasia Ashley (@AnastasiaAshley) January 13, 2014
Zzzzzzzzzzzz.
I'm going to wait till @Brooklyn99FOX comes out on DVD, so I have physical proof of when the universe hit rock bottom.
— Andy Kindler (@AndyKindler) January 13, 2014
Not a fan, Andy?
plane rules are as follows…do NOT kick seats…middle seat gets both arm rests..and NEVER hang over armrest. I have an elbow in my area !
— Adrianne Curry (@AdrianneCurry) January 13, 2014
Any questions?
Why do men fall in love w their nannies & assistants? They're just subordinates who anticipate their every need ohh
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) January 13, 2014
Light bulb!
Haven't been able to sleep since wondering if Shannen Doherty graduated from that online college.
— Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) January 13, 2014
Yeah, where’s TMZ when you really need them?
Does anyone know a really shady place in LA that claims to give massages but is really just a front for sex?
It’s a gift for someone.
— DC (@DaneCook) January 13, 2014
Some excellent Twitter responses to this one.
I had hoped Google was working hard to make gmail or search less clunky but, nope, thermostats.
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) January 13, 2014
Next up, vacuum cleaners!
Taylor Swift giraffe tits #WrestlingTVshows
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) January 14, 2014
I’d watch that.
Take a shot everytime Miley tweets a pic of her dogs
— Alexandria Morgan (@AlexandriaMorgz) January 14, 2014
You trying to kill us all?
No bullshit I lost my phone at the movie theater when I went to see "Her." What's that called? Irony? Assholery?
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) January 14, 2014
I think it’s the first one.
The #Oscars theme is movie heroes! Glad they specified the "movie" part. First I thought it was about sandwiches. That'd also be a good one.
— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) January 14, 2014
And probably more entertaining.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber's house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can't make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) January 14, 2014
That and Crocs.
Instead of going on a cleanse, eat thirty-nine Buffalo wings like I did last night. Cleans you out the same, just w/ a lot more stomach pain
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) January 14, 2014
Alternative medicine.
RT @netlyte: FamilyGuy show kills off beloved Brian – Is this true? @SethMacFarlane // And the hare crosses the finish line at last.
— Seth MacFarlane (@SethMacFarlane) January 14, 2014
Wow.
Holidays are really finally over for me – I finally took down the tree, put away the balls and smoked all my presents
— Bill Maher (@billmaher) January 14, 2014
I want what he got for Christmas.
Last night, I was reading “Bridge to Terabithia” to my kids when Chris Christie showed up and shut it down.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) January 14, 2014
He just doesn’t know when to stop.
Why go to college when you can walk into any insurance agent's office and look at motivational posters for free?
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) January 14, 2014
Good point.
Police were unable to find any eggs to confiscate from Justin Bieber's home, so they did what they do best and arrested his black friend.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) January 14, 2014
Just following their protocol.
You know in movies when someone narrowly saves the world, while nobody is aware of the impending danger?
What if that's happening right now
— Debby Ryan (@DebbyRyan) January 14, 2014
Then we’re all fucked I suppose.
"Brony" documentary is fucking beautiful. I am now Bronystrong.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) January 14, 2014
Bronystrong, indeed.
Night Twonks. "He's doing the face behind me, isn't he…" http://ift.tt/1cAMFRq
— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) January 14, 2014
Love that cat.
You can tell how many naked photos someone has of themselves on their phone based on how much they freak out when they lose it
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) January 15, 2014
This is true.
I mean, let’s get real on Cubs mascot nudity talk: Yogi Bear doesn’t wear a shirt or pants.
— darren rovell (@darrenrovell) January 15, 2014
Nor does Donald Duck – because he’s a pimp.
If porpoises are so smart how come they don't tweet. #idiots
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) January 15, 2014
Yeah…
Wow. Just watched a crack deal go down. Next time I pick the restaurant.
— Kari Byron (@KariByron) January 15, 2014
What kind of wine goes with crack?
Drug Lords are in control of the US government. A large number of drug lords are also sexually degenerated pedophiles.
— Roseanne Barr (@TheRealRoseanne) January 15, 2014
The more you know.
Thank you @TheTanExpert for tanning me @fakebakeunited @SandraMcClumpha @VicFakeBake my amazing spray tan :) x
— Lindsay Lohan (@lindsaylohan) January 15, 2014
That right there? 20 bucks.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
— Amy Weber (@TherealAmyWeber) January 16, 2014
She has a point.
watching old episode of Keeping Up… OMG Kendall & Kylie look sooo little!
— Kim Kardashian (@KimKardashian) January 16, 2014
Was there nothing else on TV?
We all know whoever wins the Oscar for Best Sound Mixing is gonna get so much sound mixing pussy it's not even funny.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) January 16, 2014
Sound mixing pussy…sounds dirty.
Nigeria’s leader has banned same sex marriage. I’m not sending their prince any more money.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) January 16, 2014
Boycott!
If I'm ever on life support, do me a big favor and unplug me.
Then plug me back in; see if that works.
— RUTH BUZZI (@Ruth_A_Buzzi) January 16, 2014
Works for my router.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won't have that "nudie mag they found in the woods" experience. #culture
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) January 16, 2014
Some things are simply lost to history.
I don't trust people that put ketchup on their eggs.
— Jay Mohr (@jaymohr37) January 17, 2014
That’s just not right.
Goodnight Mcnugget tits
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) January 17, 2014
Have a great weekend everybody!
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