Every week celebrities go on Twitter and speak their minds. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re thought-provoking, and sometimes we don’t know what they’re talking about. This list is all of that and more. Strap in. It could get bumpy.
Related: The 50 most entertaining celebrities to follow on Twitter
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I have a suspicion that the announcer of Teen Choice Awards is just making up names
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) August 11, 2014
Pretty sure he was.
If my arch nemesis calls me a "pathetic little man" on Twitter I assume it's cool to block the people who favorite it.
— Andy Kindler (@AndyKindler) August 11, 2014
Standard policy.
my block list is all old men and 12-15 year old bullies
— Ireland (@IrelandBBaldwin) August 11, 2014
That’s everyone’s block list.
I don't give a fuck.
I take a fuck and I don't give a fuck back.
— Dane Cook (@DaneCook) August 11, 2014
That should be on a t-shirt.
I've noticed some of y'all 'favoriting' your own tweets. That's pretty cool. I mean if no one else will, I suppose….
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) August 11, 2014
Is that wrong?
Now that it's a big hit that could have a sequel, I bet the people who made TMNT are wishing they hadn't killed off all the turtles! #oops
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) August 11, 2014
Spoiler alert?
Funny how the people who post 'Keep Calm and ___' pictures are the least calm people I know.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) August 11, 2014
Why is that?
OKAY, TONIGHT IS THE BIG NIGHT, I AM GOING TO SEE THE NEW NINJA TURTLE MOVIE. GET READY TO HEAR MY THOUGHTS???
— Vanilla Ice (@vanillaice) August 11, 2014
WE CAN’T WAIT.
NOTHING GETS THE POINT ACROSS QUITE LIKE ALL CAPS
— Ireland (@IrelandBBaldwin) August 11, 2014
WE KNOW.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaha.
— Coach (@CMPunk) August 11, 2014
Retirement seems to be going well.
We don't know the half of what's going on out there.
— Amanda Seyfried (@AmandaSeyfried) August 11, 2014
I wish I knew half.
Robin Williams! Your work! Your heart! Your brain! So much left for you to do. So much more to love you for! Heartbroken. Rest in peace.
— Alyssa Milano (@Alyssa_Milano) August 11, 2014
RIP.
I remember Mork & Mindy as a kid. Was a fan. #NanuNanu What an amazing talent.
— Dale Earnhardt Jr. (@DaleJr) August 11, 2014
Everyone remembers Mork & Mindy.
O Captain! My Captain! Rise up and hear the bells. Rise up, for you the flag is flung, for you the bugle trills.
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) August 11, 2014
Perfect.
The world just got a lot less funny. Robin Williams is a tragic loss.
— Seth MacFarlane (@SethMacFarlane) August 12, 2014
Indeed.
Loathe all the psychoanalysts who fill the airwaves when a star commits suicide. None of them have a clue what Robin Williams was thinking.
— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) August 12, 2014
Preach.
Moon looks like shit tonight
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) August 12, 2014
Spoiled by the Super Moon.
today i have a breakfast meeting, a sex toy meeting, a lunch meeting, then an interview over dinner… i literally work for food and dildos
— James Deen (@JamesDeen) August 12, 2014
Could be worse.
Whenever I'm early to a mtg I feel the need to call my mom to tell her I'm a functioning adult. Which makes me less of a functioning adult.
— Jessica Biel (@JessicaBiel) August 12, 2014
I guess it kind of does, doesn’t it?
Robin had a ton of love & did so much for so many. He made Matt & my dreams come true. What do you owe a guy who does that? Everything.
— Ben Affleck (@BenAffleck) August 12, 2014
Well said.
said it once and I'll say it again, don't believe everything you read!
— Kendall Jenner (@KendallJenner) August 12, 2014
I don’t believe what I just read.
If my friends would scroll through our text exchanges they can see the ten other times they asked me the same question.
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) August 13, 2014
Preach, sister.
Is it possible to list beer as an emergency contact?
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) August 13, 2014
It should be.
wait… Is honey boo boo a person????
— James Deen (@JamesDeen) August 13, 2014
More or less.
With Robin Williams gone it's up to all of us to add a little humor in the world.
— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) August 13, 2014
Dr. Ruth, always on point with the advice.
"In Twittertown we have what's exactly like a dick measuring contest, but we measure the depths of arcane references! Winner gets nothin!"
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) August 13, 2014
It’s a fun game.
#CMTDogAndBeth ok #war machine you want a real fight this time not a girl the biggest match of your career in the street
— Duane Dog Chapman (@DogBountyHunter) August 13, 2014
But wait, there’s more…
#CMTDogAndBeth #war machine in front if your house 1on1 let's do it !! ! Winner takes ALL !!
— Duane Dog Chapman (@DogBountyHunter) August 13, 2014
I’d pay money to see this.
@ChristyMack hey since your ex-boyfriend @WarMachine170 will be in jail soon we should hangout sometime #MatchMadeInHeaven
— Leland Chapman (@LelandBChapman) August 13, 2014
Fightin’ dirty, I like it.
I need to stop falling in love with boys that:
-Live on the other side of the world
-Are gay
-Are like 30
-Aren't real
That would be great
— Maisie Williams (@Maisie_Williams) August 13, 2014
That does narrow the field a little.
How good is the rent in Gotham that it trumps "occasional super villains."
— Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) August 13, 2014
Seriously.
Ugh. Vacuuming stairs is just the worst.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) August 13, 2014
That’s why I don’t do it.
I just dumped wine into tequila and drank it with salmon so tomorrow should surely not be a barf fest at all
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) August 14, 2014
Tasty.
Why do I feel a strong need to wear a flannel every time I dance? Every time.
— Selena Gomez (@selenagomez) August 14, 2014
Because you’re insane?
But seriously, why does a town like Ferguson have tanks? Fuck, why does anybody have tanks? This is all stupid. Stupid as fuck.
— Coach (@CMPunk) August 14, 2014
I think it might be clobberin’ time.
I'll never understand the line of thinking behind constantly creating more rules/laws to eliminate problems that an education could prevent.
— Brad Keselowski (@keselowski) August 14, 2014
Pffft…logic.
They call me the white Eminem.
— Andy Kindler (@AndyKindler) August 14, 2014
Ummm…
The prestigious Oxford Dictionary added "Side Boob" "Hot Mess" and "YOLO" to their pages, so slam your dick in a car door, English language.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) August 14, 2014
What else is there to say?
Happened to be behind an Aston Martin on the drive home today. He also happened to be a horrible driver. I pulled over. And cried. #waste
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) August 14, 2014
That is sad.
Girls are gross.
— Dane Cook (@DaneCook) August 14, 2014
No comment.
On an average night, the cast of The Expendables 3 gets up a combined 37 times to pee.
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) August 15, 2014
FACT.
Before you get inspired by someones profound instagram quote, just remember they're only posting it hoping their ex will see it
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) August 15, 2014
Also fact.
Respect the Zelda Williams or go fuck yourself
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) August 13, 2014
Have a great weekend, everyone.
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