9 things that unquestionably make you a badass

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Having a big bank account, big muscles and a big penis may make you irresistibly attractive to shallow women no matter what your other qualities are, but those things do not make you a badass. No, a true badass can practically move mountains with awesome ability, serious technique and deep inner confidence. Let’s take a look at a handful of things that make you a total badass.

9 Working with meat

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Smoking, grilling, carving, fileting, sausage-making, basting, trussing up, curing, marinating, herb-rubbing, stuffing, broiling or frying, a man’s ability to do wonderful things with meat makes him a badass.

8 The ability to blow smoke rings

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That shit is awesome. If you can do this, you’re a badass, and also possibly have an addiction you may want to address at some point.

7 The ability to whistle with two fingers

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You just literally made two of your fingers into a loud instrument that can stop everyone in hearing range right in their tracks. That’s badass.

6 Spitting into a spittoon

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Just because you’re disgusting doesn’t mean you can’t also be a badass.

5 You’re a magician

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No one knows how you do what you do, so as long as your act is good the sheer mystery of the things you know versus what your audience does not makes you an absolute badass…at least until the show is over.

4 Being able to hit a machine and make it work

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The Fonz is with you, inhabiting your spirit and allowing you to do practically magical things with jukeboxes, vending machines and ATMs.

3 Enter a wood chopping competition and win

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Oh my &%($@ god, are you kidding me? This is the most badass thing ever. Unless of course the chopped wood was then used to smoke a hog that would then feed a poor village in some non-denominational country that I can’t get in trouble for mentioning in relation to poverty. Because that would be even badder.

2 Make intense, sustained eye contact

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Until the other person is frightened, horny or BOTH.

1 You’re a firefighter

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Though much of the job is spent around the firehouse or answering calls for non-fire related incidents, the few times that you are called upon to fight fire makes you a true badass unlike any other. We salute you.