Self-serve beer at All-Star Game turns out to be a disaster

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It’s impossible to watch baseball without drinking, and Target Field is making it even easier with new self-serve beer stands just in time for the All-Star game. It sounds like god’s gift to baseball, but is it?

The first DraftServ machine was installed last Sunday, which certainly made their loss against the Fighting Derek Jeters easier to swallow. Another self-serve beer machine arrives in time for the All-Star game and the remainder of the season. Allegedly things went pretty smoothly, but I can already see a few holes in the plan.

Patrons buy prepaid vending cards from the cashier, grab a cup, swipe their card, and fill up however much beer they want (up to 24 ounces). Seems simple enough, right? Here’s where it all falls apart.

Currently the vending cards only allow for up to $20, and 312 costs 40-cents per ounce. That’s only 50 ounces of beer per card. If you’re like any other decent person, you’re buying two at a time. That means you need to go buy a new card almost every time you head up for a beer. Now you have two lines in which to wait, at which point the only benefit of self-serve beer is if you’ve never touched a keg and want the “experience.”

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Target Field is further trolling baseball fans by allowing up to 24 ounces but only having 20 ounce cups. That’s just cruel. Some dipshit is obviously going to try to pick the biggest self-serve beer allowed and then panic when he runs out of cup. Now he’s turning his head under the tap like a true bro trying not to commit a party foul. While it’ll make for a great Vine, it’ll also be a disaster.

Finally, you’re definitely not going to get all the beer for which you paid. The beauty of having a people at a concession stand fill up your $40 Bud Light is that they don’t give a shit if they let it overflow for awhile. They want to get you a full beer as fast as possible and move on to the next grown man in a 25 year-old’s jersey.

You, on the other hand, are paying 38-cents per ounce, and there’s no way you’re letting any of that go to waste. The machines have on-screen instruction for pouring beer, but even the world’s best keg ninja can’t help but get some foam now and then, especially in a tall cup. I can’t see this working any faster unless people agreed to stop complaining about beer prices and didn’t tell me about it.

People with drinking problems will point to the 48-ounces per 15 minutes rule as another problem, but you’re going to be buying new cards like crack, so there’s no way for them to regulate that.

I appreciate the idea behind the self-serve beer stands, and I hope they end up everywhere – grocery stores, playgrounds, my living room. They’re just going to need to fix a few problems before I actually get excited about the idea. Let’s just hope the baseball concession union doesn’t strike because they’re pissed about the beer machine taking their jobs. Someone still needs to fill that batters helmet with nachos for me!

Details via StarTribune.