Each week we bring you the best celebrity tweets. Now, there are literally hundreds of celebrities on Twitter, actors, singers, models, athletes… and about 99% of them are not worth following. These 50 celebrities are.
What’s somewhat amazing about this list is that some of the people you’d expect to be entertaining on Twitter just aren’t. Check out most stand up comics on Twitter and they’re awful. Yet Twitter is just the opposite for others. Some people that you don’t think are that funny in other environments are pretty damn hilarious when limited to 140 characters. Go figure. Of course a few people on here aren’t so much because they’re funny, but because of some of the crazy stuff they say. See if you can figure out which ones those are.
Related: The Best Celebrity Tweets Each Week
And please feel free to add any celebs who you think we should be following in the comments. We’re always up for being entertained even more!
50 Chris Kluwe
FORMER NFL PUNTER
Just discovered my new favorite person on long airline flights! Man Who Leans His Seat Back and Then Hunches Forward to Watch His Laptop!
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) March 26, 2014
There's a 2nd floor pole dancing class I drive past to work, and two of the windows are cracked. I'm really curious what that story is.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) March 11, 2014
Based on a scientifically accurate poll of my Twitter followers, it is not, in fact, weird, to enjoy a two day old pancake. Whew.
— Chris Kluwe (@ChrisWarcraft) March 10, 2014
49 Amy Schumer
COMEDIAN, ACTRESS
I'll tell you who's beating "Gravity", Kate Hudson's tits #Oscars #congrats
— Amy Schumer (@amyschumer) March 3, 2014
"I bet he's tired of fucking her" me making myself feel better #Oscars
— Amy Schumer (@amyschumer) March 3, 2014
I guess I misunderstood what the guy "paying" on the first date meant.
— Amy Schumer (@amyschumer) March 1, 2014
48 Miley Cyrus
SINGER, TROUBLEMAKER
not a new outfit for 23 I didn't make my quick change and I couldn't not come out for the song so I just had to run out in my undies :(
— Miley Ray Cyrus (@MileyCyrus) March 10, 2014
Girl if ur worried abt where tongues have been good thing ur ex boo is ur EX BOO cause we ALL know where THAT been http://ift.tt/1lCnNCt
— Miley Ray Cyrus (@MileyCyrus) March 6, 2014
I gooooootttttttta stop puttin random ass panties in my mouth BUT you know what they say #cantstopwontstop http://ift.tt/1hb7GIB
— Miley Ray Cyrus (@MileyCyrus) February 23, 2014
47 Charlie Sheen
ACTOR, WINNER
hey Ashton
sorry bro
all good.
now quit barfing
on my old
brilliant show.
Remember
Punk'd?
how duz it feel?
c harp http://t.co/vSVQ3BBk7D
— Charlie Sheen (@charliesheen) January 6, 2014
hey Jon!!!
u r a GENIUS!!!
I effin
love and
MISS YOU
old pal!
Q; who's your
lame side-kik?
c
#NiceTryCanonBoy
#CH
http://t.co/xGBjAjcKWr
— Charlie Sheen (@charliesheen) January 5, 2014
why duz
the Hilton fam,
have more love and compassion
for my kids than
Duh-nese and Broke
(I mean Brooke)?
c
#B&Dsuk
http://t.co/6bs937OWzr
— Charlie Sheen (@charliesheen) December 30, 2013
46 Darren Rovell
ESPN SPORTS BUSINESS ANALYST
Fortune Magazine puts Derek Jeter 11th on its World's Greatest Leaders List, 2 spots behind the Dalai Lama
— darren rovell (@darrenrovell) March 27, 2014
Wonder how the NCAA explains charging a $200 face price for students at East Regional at Madison Square Garden
— darren rovell (@darrenrovell) March 26, 2014
Falcons, Seahawks & Buccaneers offering premium experiences at games, including in-seat cheerleader visits
— darren rovell (@darrenrovell) March 26, 2014
45 Ireland Baldwin
MODEL, DAUGHTER OF ALEC BALDWIN & KIM BASINGER
If someone wants you to meet them at a hiking trail at 5pm doesn't that mean they're plotting to kill you?
— Ireland (@IrelandBBaldwin) March 13, 2014
If I played basketball it would look like a ramen noodle trying to push a ball around
— Ireland (@IrelandBBaldwin) March 13, 2014
"I ended up at that Denny's once"
— Ireland (@IrelandBBaldwin) March 12, 2014
44 Aaron Rodgers
NFL QUARTERBACK
Next, are they gonna outlaw the Lambeau Leap? Smh.
— Aaron Rodgers (@AaronRodgers12) March 25, 2014
Chris Kaman for MVP. Lakers need to put Rambis in.
#goggles
#midrange
— Aaron Rodgers (@AaronRodgers12) February 14, 2014
Don't judge a book by its cover. Unless it's the back cover and it tells you everything about the book. Then judge away.
— Aaron Rodgers (@AaronRodgers12) February 12, 2014
43 Ellen DeGeneres
COMEDIAN, TALK SHOW HOST
It¹s International Waffle Day! I think I'm going to celebrate. No, I'm not. Actually, maybe I will. Nevermind. No, I will.
— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) March 25, 2014
Happy birthday to the sexiest man alive, @AdamLevine! I hope that you're celebrating in your birthday suit.
— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) March 18, 2014
Did you know that they sell clocks that automatically reset for Daylight Savings Time? Did you know I bought one last year? Me neither.
— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) March 10, 2014
42 Dennis Miller
COMEDIAN, TALK SHOW HOST
If I pick a password that is rated "Very Strong", I might as well pick "Forget" as the password.
— Dennis Miller Show (@DennisDMZ) March 6, 2014
The new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover has more crack on it than Rob Ford's bedside table.
— Dennis Miller Show (@DennisDMZ) February 14, 2014
OJ is starving himself to death. Finally he gets serious about punishing the real killer. #hurryup
— Dennis Miller Show (@DennisDMZ) February 13, 2014
41 Arsenio Hall
COMEDIAN, TALK SHOW HOST
Rick Ross is now writing an advice column for Rolling Stone magazine. Can you believe that? Rolling Stone magazine is still around?
— Arsenio Hall (@ArsenioHall) March 24, 2014
The current Laker games are fun to go see in person, cause you never know who's gonna play! Nash here? Pau stayin the whole game? DiCaprio?
— Arsenio Hall (@ArsenioHall) March 24, 2014
My ole buddy Grant Hill has a very fragile body. He just hurt his foot … on TBS, talking about basketball.
— Arsenio Hall (@ArsenioHall) March 23, 2014
40 Jamie Kennedy
COMEDIAN, ACTOR
Clothing Salesman: "Has anyone ever told you that you should model?"
Me: "Only my mother and people trying to sell me clothes."
— Jamie Kennedy (@JamieKennedy) March 13, 2014
I miss the days where the level of how cool you were was determined by how low you sagged your pants and how many gold chains you wore.
— Jamie Kennedy (@JamieKennedy) March 11, 2014
Ellen Page came out as gay, and I’m sorry, but I think she’d be a huge distraction in an NFL locker room.
— Jamie Kennedy (@JamieKennedy) February 15, 2014
39 Judah Friedlander
COMEDIAN, ACTOR
I just recoupled with Gwyneth Patrow. As Her husband watched and recried.
— Judah Friedlander (@JudahWorldChamp) March 27, 2014
I think dogs should be allowed to drive.
— Judah Friedlander (@JudahWorldChamp) March 17, 2014
I don't think cats should even be allowed to be a passenger in a car.
— Judah Friedlander (@JudahWorldChamp) March 17, 2014
38 Tom Crabtree
NFL TIGHT END
Dropped a Duke™
— Tom Crabtree (@itsCrab) March 21, 2014
Never seen anyone work harder at anything than my one year old daughter trying to reach the last Pringle at the bottom of the can.
— Tom Crabtree (@itsCrab) March 6, 2014
Wife knows every line and every word to every song in Frozen. Has watched it 34 times in the past week. Not a joke. Factual observation.
— Tom Crabtree (@itsCrab) March 6, 2014
37 Dax Shepard
ACTOR, COMEDIAN
The act of changing into a different outfit each day is seeming more and more ridiculous as I age. Drawing ever closer to my jumpsuit phase.
— dax shepard (@daxshepard1) March 26, 2014
Whoever wins this date w/ @IMKristenBell to VM premier better be ready to kick me some ass, cash or grass. No one dates my wife for free.
— dax shepard (@daxshepard1) March 8, 2014
Haven't road-raged or drank diet coke in 11 days. Consequently boners have become less frequent.
— dax shepard (@daxshepard1) January 12, 2014
36 James Deen
PORN STAR, ACTOR
"Crushing pussy" makes it sound like you can't get an erection and you're smashing your limp dick against a lady's vulva… Just FYI
— James Deen (@JamesDeen) March 18, 2014
I'm confused… How come everyone in game of thrones has such well trimmed pubes?
— James Deen (@JamesDeen) March 14, 2014
kim kardashian is hands down the most famous porn star of all time
— James Deen (@JamesDeen) March 27, 2014
35 George Takei
ACTOR, SULU
Shattered. http://ift.tt/1gksWw5
— George Takei (@GeorgeTakei) March 25, 2014
May the fart be with you. Always. http://ift.tt/1gLJj4j
— George Takei (@GeorgeTakei) March 20, 2014
And now I want some Corn Flakes. Pronto. http://ift.tt/1pQpo5v
— George Takei (@GeorgeTakei) March 20, 2014
34 Alexandria Morgan
MODEL
couples who both wear glasses weird me out
— alexandria morgan (@AlexandriaMorgz) March 25, 2014
Can we start calling pizza "Za" again like the 90s
— alexandria morgan (@AlexandriaMorgz) March 24, 2014
If a girl who got famous from a sex tape can get a vogue cover anything is possible
— alexandria morgan (@AlexandriaMorgz) March 21, 2014
33 Rich Eisen
NFL TV SHOW HOST
Duke and Ohio St both one-and-done. The beneficent Tournament Genie has granted me one last wish. #BlueKnowIt
— Rich Eisen (@richeisen) March 21, 2014
I know he's incredibly gifted, but is it the Panthers plan to have Cam try and catch his own passes?
— Rich Eisen (@richeisen) March 17, 2014
Earthquake. Real shaker. Jolted out of bed. All 3 kids slept through. Emmanuel Sanders still a Bronco. That is all.
— Rich Eisen (@richeisen) March 17, 2014
32 Sarah Silverman
COMEDIAN, ACTRESS
I'm godless in general but then I remember that panda bears exist and I'm like hold the fuck up
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) March 24, 2014
When you take your turn on words with friends I know your shitting.
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) March 18, 2014
Doing a kickstarter to raise $ for rich kids who have never heard the word no. Please help!
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) February 11, 2014
31 Bette Midler
SINGER, ACTRESS
If world politics were run by Twitter, the Russia situation would be ignored and sanctions would be imposed on Vogue for the Kimye cover.
— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) March 26, 2014
I have to laugh when I see young female pop star get nude in order to be "shocking". You want to shock me? Spell arachnophobia!
— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) March 25, 2014
The Bachelor didn't say "I love you" in the finale? Come on! I say "I love you" to the bartender when he gives me an extra olive.
— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) March 12, 2014
30 Brandon McCarthy
MLB PITCHER
I feel less pathetic now knowing that even the people at the Oscars only care about what's happening on Twitter
— Brandon McCarthy (@BMcCarthy32) March 3, 2014
"Bono, Bono…I'm in a band just like you!!"- Jared Leto
— Brandon McCarthy (@BMcCarthy32) March 3, 2014
The 4 hour nap I took earlier will all be worth it at 2 am when I'm looking at the internet and you're all comfortably asleep.
— Brandon McCarthy (@BMcCarthy32) February 24, 2014
29 Wil Wheaton
ACTOR, WRITER
Adult me doesn't do nearly as many wheelies as child me thought I would.
— Wil Wheaton (@wilw) March 25, 2014
When you get sunscreen in your beard and it makes it white and you aren’t even mad because you’re all YEAH BITCH I’M GANDALF TODAY.
— Wil Wheaton (@wilw) March 20, 2014
Is it possible to get barbecued meat drunk? Asking for a friend.
— Wil Wheaton (@wilw) March 16, 2014
28 RuPaul
ACTOR, TV SHOW HOST
Anyone who wears false eyelashes between 9am and 5pm is a mother%king genius who deserves the utmost respect #BowDown
— RuPaul (@RuPaul) March 15, 2014
It’d be so effin hot if the new Apple Software Updates were actual improvements over what they replace #UGH
— RuPaul (@RuPaul) March 13, 2014
I find comfort in knowing that somewhere in the world, at this very moment @CourtneyStodden is applying lip gloss
— RuPaul (@RuPaul) March 4, 2014
27 Ricky Gervais
ACTOR, COMEDIAN
People who deny that they have evolved from primitive creatures are sort of right.
— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) March 23, 2014
Adam: I want a woman.
God: I'll need one of your ribs then.
Adam: What? Why?
God : I ran out of "lady making stuff"
Adam: Oh for fuck's sake
— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) February 27, 2014
Only an idiot would RT this.
— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) February 21, 2014
26 Zach Braff
ACTOR, SCREENWRITER
Russia, if you give back Crimea, you can have Newark.
— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) March 19, 2014
CNN is amazing at reporting all day on a story with no new facts. They just interviewed a seal who thinks he saw the plane.
— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) March 16, 2014
Remember when @JennyMcCarthy said we shouldn't vaccinate our children and then ABC hired her on The View? #goodtimes
— Zach Braff (@zachbraff) March 14, 2014
25 Dolph Ziggler
WWE WRESTLER
on Long Island TONITE for @WWE
stealing the show & later, your girlfriend. then, totally painting the big apple pink
— Dolph Ziggler (@HEELZiggler) March 22, 2014
wow TEXAS, so many latinas…
so little time
jk
I'm in for 4 nights
— Dolph Ziggler (@HEELZiggler) March 15, 2014
OMG whats robin thickes wife sitch?
Im serious u guys, what more can he do, besides publicly pleading at concerts to fans?
— Dolph Ziggler (@HEELZiggler) March 10, 2014
24 Emile Hirsch
ACTOR
Native American dancing rappers truly can "make it rain."
— Emile Hirsch (@EmileHirsch) March 19, 2014
When people say "good for you" they usually mean "get hit by a bus."
— Emile Hirsch (@EmileHirsch) March 18, 2014
A lot of guys in LA just got credit for being much better in the sack than they deserve credit for. #earthquake
— Emile Hirsch (@EmileHirsch) March 17, 2014
23 Paula Poundstone
COMEDIAN, AUTHOR
If Lady Gaga does "vomit art," my cats have been cutting edge performing artists for years.
— Paula Poundstone (@paulapoundstone) March 24, 2014
It takes only a few minutes of watching TAKEN 2 to realize that you are the luckiest person in the world for not having seen TAKEN 1.
— Paula Poundstone (@paulapoundstone) March 21, 2014
Kim Jong-Un won again! The guy's amazing. He's the Michael Phelps of politics.
— Paula Poundstone (@paulapoundstone) March 10, 2014
22 Jordan Peele
ACTOR, COMEDIAN
I'm pretty sure my dog has worked out the next place he's gonna poo hours in advance.
— Jordan Peele (@JordanPeele) March 27, 2014
So weird that when you look back at the pictures of the seniors in your freshman yearbook, they still seem so much older than you.
— Jordan Peele (@JordanPeele) March 22, 2014
I used to think the shark in JAWS 2 was the mother of the shark in JAWS.
— Jordan Peele (@JordanPeele) March 18, 2014
21 Olivia Wilde
ACTRESS
There's an abandoned pair of men's underwear in our elevator. I shudder at all possible explanations.
— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) March 16, 2014
Not sure Tupac and Biggie would be too pleased about how close Pandora likes to keep them.
— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) March 9, 2014
I just questioned whether it was safe to leave the house because it's, you know, RAINING. #LAmakesyousoft #seriouslythoughitmightnotbesafe
— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) February 28, 2014
20 Jim Gaffigan
COMEDIAN, ACTOR
I can finally take “two-year old throwing up in my hair” off my bucket list.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) March 21, 2014
“Taking your kids skiing” can be listed as cause of death, right?
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) March 18, 2014
When I open my own steakhouse steak will also be served as dessert.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) March 13, 2014
19 Josh Malina
ACTOR
Scientists are now saying they may never discover what LinkedIn is for.
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) March 24, 2014
I like that the NOAH movie is being exhibited with the disclaimer "Based on the Hebrew Bible and a bunch of crazy shit."
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) March 19, 2014
Angus T. Jones must be PSYCHED it took him 10 years of fat checks to figure out what a hypocrite he was being.
— Joshua Malina (@JoshMalina) March 18, 2014
18 Conan O’Brien
TALK SHOW HOST, COMEDIAN
To be fair, I'm pretty sure Crimeans probably can’t find Los Angeles on a map either.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) March 23, 2014
Just Googled 47 products I would never buy, just to see how fast ads for them pop up on my Facebook page.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) March 19, 2014
Massachusetts just banned upskirting. So I guess I won’t be coming home for Easter after all.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) March 12, 2014
17 The Iron Sheik
FORMER WWE WRESTLER
Andrew Wiggins you talk talk talk but you play worse than fucking dead dog. Go Fuck yourself #NCAAMarchMadness2014
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) March 23, 2014
Today the William Shatner birthday. He have more space sex than any human being in the world. That way I respect him
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) March 22, 2014
The Cowboys now have the fucking raisin balls Tony Romo and the needle dick midget grasshopper balls Brandon Weeden. GOOD FUCKING LUCK
— The Iron Sheik (@the_ironsheik) March 17, 2014
16 Chad Johnson
FORMER NFL WIDE RECEIVER
Somewhere in between women and my Smart Car RT @RealTWittmann: @ochocinco how much do u love twitter
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) March 23, 2014
Spell check: Horny RT @MilynJensen_: @Ladyliiike @ochocinco y'all so corny lol
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) March 23, 2014
Not many channels to choose from in Madrid but the women on these spanish soap operas made me forget about the caption button. My God
— Chad Johnson (@ochocinco) March 22, 2014
15 Rob Delaney
COMEDIAN, WRITER
In Blue Hawaii, Angela Lansbury plays Elvis's mom even though she's only 10 yrs older than him! I showed my dick to a cow today.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) March 12, 2014
Soap opera actors look like if a human fucked some sort of "handsome animal" and had a baby. This is not a compliment.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) February 25, 2014
Twitter 2014, condensed: Woody Allen murdered Harold Ramis.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) February 24, 2014
14 Kathleen Madigan
COMEDIAN
cant believe after 25 yrs of packing every single week I can still forget pants. Seriously. I am an adult. Children pack better than this.
— Kathleen Madigan (@kathleenmadigan) March 21, 2014
Waiting for Wolf Blitzer to commit on air suicide after he reads why @donkeyfucker thinks a blackhole ate the plane.
— Kathleen Madigan (@kathleenmadigan) March 20, 2014
"If I was that realtor, I'd punch most of these ppl in the face" -me, watching most house hunter episodes.
— Kathleen Madigan (@kathleenmadigan) March 19, 2014
13 Andy Kindler
COMEDIAN, ACTOR
The earthquake knocked over our bed's CD/Headboard storage unit. The "Essential Ted Nugent" gashed my forehead.
— Andy Kindler (@AndyKindler) March 17, 2014
Scientists unable to prove that 2 Broke Girls and New Girl are different shows.
— Andy Kindler (@AndyKindler) March 13, 2014
Someone takes a photo, superimposes words on it using a magic contraption, and then tweets it. Nothing is gained.This is an exciting medium.
— Andy Kindler (@AndyKindler) March 10, 2014
12 Patton Oswalt
COMEDIAN, ACTOR
"That Sherlock Cumberbatch man could find the Malaysian plane in 5 minutes." — someone's mom, probably
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) March 19, 2014
If it turns out this missing 777 is hiding in a boat in Boston I'm going to lose it.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) March 11, 2014
The Sochi Olympics are just a George Clooney prank.
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) February 8, 2014
11 Josh Groban
SINGER, SONGWRITER
You guys lets just let Putin do whatever he wants. He's a good man. A strong man. Handsome. #sponsored
— josh groban (@joshgroban) March 19, 2014
Watch Jay Carney do a White House press conference. Then close your eyes. BOOM. James Woods is press secretary.
— josh groban (@joshgroban) March 14, 2014
I feel like if Jesus didn't want us to get blitzed from time to time he would have kept the water as-is.
— josh groban (@joshgroban) March 9, 2014
10 Jason Biggs
ACTOR
Since #TheBachelor is not on tonight, I will instead be live-tweeting a DUI checkpoint on Sunset Boulevard. Same thing, pretty much.
— Jason Biggs (@JasonBiggs) March 18, 2014
“@KimKardashian: Is it me or does @khloekardashian need a talk show?” It's you.
— Jason Biggs (@JasonBiggs) March 6, 2014
Probably should have asked this an hour ago, but- do tattoos on babies expand and look weird as they grow up?
— Jason Biggs (@JasonBiggs) February 27, 2014
9 Michelle Beadle
SPORTS REPORTER, TV SHOW HOST
When I hear sports peeps say 'ball-centric' I giggle. Because I'm not a very mature individual.
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) March 19, 2014
I've finally accepted the fact that I'm not supposed to know the difference between Chris Pine and Chris Evans
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) March 14, 2014
Had pretty amazing ideas of having a crazy Friday night…then I put my pajama pants on. #livingthedream
— Michelle Beadle (@MichelleDBeadle) March 8, 2014
8 Chrissy Teigen
MODEL
I watched Frozen on the plane yesterday and I won't sleep until I know why this chick had superpowers. Disney movies never explain shit.
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) March 22, 2014
Whelp turns out people on planes don't like talking about missing planes
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) March 21, 2014
cooking for dogs is awesome because you can literally give zero fucks about flavor or toughness
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) March 12, 2014
7 David Spade
ACTOR, COMEDIAN
Ill be the new bachelor. Ill straighten this shit up. This is redick
— David Spade (@DavidSpade) March 11, 2014
After i flex in the mirror for about 40 minutes the day is pretty much over
— David Spade (@DavidSpade) March 9, 2014
I wish Halloween was today id go as Bruce Jenner
— David Spade (@DavidSpade) February 19, 2014
6 Anna Kendrick
ACTRESS, SINGER
Oh, "that's the price of fame" is it? I just wanna be able to pick up my Valtrex without the world knowing about it! Wait. Shit.
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) March 19, 2014
I don't get why girls paint the "Chanel" symbol on their nails… I could tattoo it on my ass but it don't mean I'm fancy.
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) March 10, 2014
I woke up just before winning the argument in my dream. Fuck this day.
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) March 6, 2014
5 Andy Richter
COMEDIAN, TV SHOW SIDEKICK
This bowel movement is buffering
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) March 23, 2014
I'll be driving my wife's car today if anyone needs a tampon or any single children's socks
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) March 22, 2014
"Oh shit. I forgot about these." *blows dust off of squashed Banker's Box with "FEELINGS" written in Sharpie on the side*
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) March 17, 2014
4 Jen Kirkman
COMEDIAN, WRITER
Don't let news of Russia overtaking military bases in Crimea distract us from how John Travolta just sent apology flowers to "Adele Dazeem."
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) March 20, 2014
I don't think Courtney Love "finding" the missing plane is any weirder than the fact there is a MISSING PLANE.
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) March 18, 2014
I was in a good mood until someone just reminded me of when Scarlett Johansson covered a bunch of Tom Waits songs.
— Jen Kirkman (@JenKirkman) March 11, 2014
3 Jenny Johnson
COMEDIAN, WRITER
There's nothing worse than losing a parent or an iPhone.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) March 19, 2014
The only people excited for the 'Entourage' movie are those guys who go up to girls at parties and ask why they're not smiling.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) March 18, 2014
"That little Greek girl is so rude." – Every adult over 60 after watching Justin Bieber's deposition
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) March 12, 2014
2 Rainn Wilson
ACTOR, DIRECTOR
Hey, just found out my Roomba also gives erotic massage!
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) March 24, 2014
When I see a guy wearing a T-shirt with ARMANI blazoned on it I know he's got AMAZING taste in clothes. #Armani
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) March 18, 2014
The cure for most any ailment is the fresh urine of models.
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) March 18, 2014
1 Michael Ian Black
ACTOR, COMEDIAN
Trillion $$$ idea: Glow in the dark breast implants called "Light Boobs."
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 23, 2014
If this missing airplane turns out to be a publicity stunt for that new Liam Neeson movie, I'm going to be pissed.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 15, 2014
Guys, good way to "get some." 1. Get a baby. 2. Run up to lady. 3. Yell "Smell my baby"! 4. Dump baby in nearby garbage. 4. Make love.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) March 11, 2014
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